I have a simple request: morph into a paved driveway. Or else adopt some of the better qualities of a paved driveway. For instance, there’s the problem of weeds. We all know I’m unlikely to take the time to pull or spray the weeds in my yard, I’m for sure not going to take the time to do the same on my driveway. I accept a weed or two growing in the cracks, but the current weed to gravel ratio is leaning far too heavily for the weeds. Plus, I think some of the weeds are actually poisonous, so that’s super fun to wade through every day on the way to my car.

Also, the whole “flat” thing would be a nice property of the paved driveway that you could adopt for me. I realize that the garbage truck driver uses you to turn around in and it only makes sense that you have buckles and dips and humps all over the place. But when it feels like a roller coaster ride pulling into my driveway, I think it’s gone far enough. Flat. Thank you.

Determinate borders would be nice, too. You’ve spread yourself too thin, dear gravel. Your borders extend twice as far as they did to begin with. Hubby is going to kill someone throwing up a rock from the lawn mower in the middle of the yard. Cool it. I understand getting driven on is not the best job in the world, but your cement brethren manage to stay in the confines of its original border…surely you can too?

Generally in these open letters, I resort to threats. Gravel Driveway, there is nothing I can do to enforce these demands. I could threaten to pave over you, but we both know the worst I’ll ever be able to afford is to bulk you back up with more gravel right before I try to offload this house on someone else. So these are merely suggestions, friendly requests to the goodness of your soul, such as you may have.

 Many Thanks,

LizHarrell, Homeowner


Are you serious? You are as tall as my house. I know it’s rained a whole bunch recently and you are just so healthy you want to share it with the world, but you are a weed. Stop! When I came outside this afternoon to knock you over (not kidding, folks, these weeds are taller than me and are about as thick as two fingers together), I meant business. Take it as a warning. If you want to continue existing without being snapped in half, STOP GROWING.

If you do that for me, I can almost 100% guarantee that I’ll leave you alone. Stay small and we’re both happy. You live, I don’t have to do yard work.

Last summer, I let one of your cohorts slide past. Up against the house and out of reach of the lawn mower, this weed brethren of yours grew heartily. He grew taller than the front of the house. I thought, “Weed, the only reason I’m letting you live is that you will DIE a horrible death in the fall.” But this weed was heartier than I imagined. This weed survived the winter and is now A TREE.

Weeds in my yard this summer, take heed. YOU WILL DIE if you try to do that to me. And Stupid Weed Tree up against my house, you’re on notice, too.