• …flower, I would be a tulip. Not the prettiest, a little formal and understated, but the longer you know me the more I relax.
  • …condiment, I would be ketchup. Sweet with a little kick, and pretty much everybody likes me but a few people really can’t stand me.
  • …television character, I would be Lucy Ricardo. Always walking into sticky situations with the best of intentions and finding some amusing way to pull a good result out of the crazy.
  • …book, I would be The Sound and the Fury. A full cast of characters, at least one of which is mentally handicapped, one is selfish and unthoughtful, one is reckless and irresponsible, and one is emotionally unpredictable, but I just exude Southern Quirk. Also, I’m super complicated and sometimes impossible to understand, but people still think I’m a work of art.*
  • …animal, I would be a goat. Non-discriminating taste in food, known for their cheese(tasticness).
  • …piece of furniture, I would be a bookcase, duh.
  • …type of shoes, I would be a pair of heels – not too tall, sorta strapped, peep-toed, and occasionally uncomfortable.
  • …dessert, I would be banana split. A healthy snack! Hidden by stuff that’s really bad for you.
  • …foreign country, I would be Kazakhstan – nobody’d ever heard of me until I started getting made fun of.
  • …piece of luggage, I would be a rollaboard bag. Sort of annoying, especially in crowded places, and a little dorky looking.
  • …game, I would be Apples To Apples – always trying to come up with a funnier metaphor.
  • …superhero, I would be Captain Planet. Lame, but everyone remembers me and laughs.
  • …piece of clothing, I would be a pencil skirt. Clean and professional, simple, understated and looks good with everything.*
  • …color, I would be black. Uncomfortable in hot weather, slightly unapproachable but really easy to get along with.

* Please insert appropriate levels of sarcasm into the reading of these comparisons.

Oh that was fun to write. Felt like I was interviewing myself for a job! I don’t know that I’d have gotten it, though…

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Yep, you guessed it! I’m reading self-help again. Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People is one of those perennial books that I’ve read once before in the adult format, and at least once in my adolescence in the Highly Effective Teen version, written by Covey’s son, Sean. One really can’t argue with the logic behind Covey’s principle based tenets for living effectively – there’s just too much that screams inside of me when I’m reading, “well, duh!” – only I’m stuck in patterns and habits that are essentially diametrically opposed to those Covey proposes.

For example, instead of being proactive, as Covey recommends, I’m reactive. Instead of beginning with the end in mind, Honey, I don’t have time to think about the end, just get me through the beginning! I’ll think about the end when I get there.

And of course given my humorous world-view, I can’t read anything without considering the possibility of writing some sort of parody. So here goes, folks: these are my recommendations for leading the Ineffective Life I know we all strive for.

  1. First, foremost, and always, do nothing. This is the best way to be ineffective in every aspect of one’s life, from home-life to work-life, doing nothing is key to avoiding success.
  2. Succumb to your fears. That overwhelming fear you feel when picking up the telephone to call a client or account is totally justifiable. Your fears are legitimate. Live in them – nay, wallow in those fears.
  3. Consider only your own feelings, desires and needs. The world may not revolve around you (sadly, this is a cosmic impossibility), but your own world should! Looking out for number one is the most efficient means of getting what number one wants. Selfishness is next to Ineffectiveness!
  4. Party! The end is near, it says so in the Bible.
  5. Be rude. People are stupid, and they deserve it. And honestly, being nice would sort of fly in the face of Habit 3, so we don’t want that.
  6. Don’t be concerned with the future. Goals are generally unattainable anyway, so what’s the point? Now don’t start thinking that you have to “reach for the stars to get to the Moon” or some other such nonsense. What are you going to do with Moon, anyway?
  7. Forget everything you’ve ever been told about success. There’s no need to work when you’re looking to be ineffective, so there’s definitely no need to constantly return to Habit 1 over and over again. Coast on through life, my Ineffective Peeps!

Seriously, though, you should probably ignore me and read Covey – his habits are probably more useful than the ones I suggest, though you might have to admit, mine seem like more fun!

*Note to Dad: Laugh. I know you are about to cry, but stifle it and laugh instead. ‘Cause that was the intention of this post, not to say that I’m on the path toward an ineffective lifestyle! Love!

Since my cohort in blogging crime has abandoned me to focus solely on the incubation of her little bundle of joy, the newly monikered Isaac Matthew Moon, I feel I must step in and write a post from her perspective.

Hi Everyone! I’m Jenny. This is an artistic rendering of me, done by my dear friend Liz:

Me!

Me!

I know, I know, I’m gorgeous! And isn’t Liz a fabulous portraitist? I think so too! I recently had lunch with Liz and, much to her surprise, I’d grown! No, not taller, but rounder! Just a tiny bit in the middle. She had to revise her drawing in order to more capture my current essence:

Me, Now!

Me, Now!

Can’t see the difference? Just scroll back and forth and I know you’ll catch the expansion I’ve undergone in the past 4 months! {Okay, sidebar here, as the true author of this post, Liz… I know if I were really Jenny, I’d probably have this time duration listed in weeks and I’d probably be a lot more accurate… but hey, I’m not, nor have I ever been pregnant, so these nuances are unfamiliar to me} I just wanted to drop in and share with you guys since I know Liz is super busy getting her garage sale organized! Good luck, Liz!

 

And that, Friends, is what’s going on with Jenny. Please, for the love, beg her to come back and actually regale us with her wit and wonderfulness!