OPELIKA (June 23) — One unopened gallon of skim milk is being held hostage this week in the home of [NAMES WITHHELD FOR SECURITY REASONS], along with one family sized box of pizza Lean Pockets, one bag of frozen chicken, two Jeno’s Party Pizzas, one unopened bag of corn, one unopened bag of broccoli in cheese sauce, two boxes of Weight Watchers Ice Cream Bars, and one unopened bag of Pizza Pockets. Negotiations for their release are currently at a stand-still.

A seeming act of kindness turned into a hostage situation early this week when [NEIGHBOR] volunteered on Sunday to keep dead-tree-power-outage victim LizHarrell’s refrigerated and frozen foods in their spare refrigerator until her power was restored. The situation began to escalate Monday evening when LizHarrell dropped by [NEIGHBOR]’s house to collect her food items. It didn’t take her long to realize that, though they appeared to be at home, [NEIGHBOR] wasn’t going to answer the doorbell.

Frustrated that her evening meal was not going to be a Lean Pocket but a (highly disappointing) Healthy Choice Fresh Mixer, LizHarrell resolved to win her neighbors over with a gift. She spent a fair amount of time preparing pies for their enjoyment. These no-bake pies required several hours of refrigeration and she planned to return to [NEIGHBOR]’s house the following evening with the gift.

Meanwhile, the unopened gallon of skim milk cowered in fear in this unknown refrigerator. Would it be rescued prior to its ‘sell by’ date? Would it be reunited with its compatriots from the freezer or would it simply be poured down the sink by its evil captors, its blue cap mailed to LizHarrell as a threat? The gallon of milk had soured on its current conditions.

The following day, LizHarrell arrived home from work, eager to continue negotiations for the release of her food items. Although no ransom had been requested, LizHarrell thought a goodwill offering may ease tensions. She removed the pies from her refrigerator and walked across the street. After ascertaining that at least one of the family’s cars was in the driveway, LizHarrell rang the doorbell to no response. She attempted to knock but found that a large spider web had enveloped her fist. Taking this as an act of aggression, LizHarrell scampered back to her home, pies still in hand.

It is rumored that at lunchtime the following day, the frozen broccoli and one of the Jeno’s Party Pizzas attempted a breakout when [NEIGHBOR]’s college aged son opened the freezer to locate some sustenance. He took one look at the broccoli and threw it back in with the other hostages. The Party Pizza has not been seen since.

Negotiations are set to resume at 5:15 today, at which time LizHarrell intends to make a second attempt at delivering her pies. She is not hopeful for the recovery of the gallon of milk, though she expects to find the frozen vegetables and Lean Pockets intact. “I really just want to keep the pies,” LizHarrell confides. “The lemon one looks especially tasty. Maybe I should just let them keep the groceries.”

Attempts to contact [NEIGHBOR] have gone unanswered, though witnesses confirm that a milky rag and two pop-sickle sticks were placed in LizHarrell’s mailbox at approximately 3 PM today. Stay tuned for further updates in this ongoing story.

Advertisements