I have a feeling I may be mostly alone in this, but I thought I’d share anyway about my inability to eat without ending up covered in food. What is my problem? I have no legitimate excuse for this behavior flaw, no muscles in my lips that I don’t have full control over, no real hand-eye coordination issues (well, maybe a few issues), and only minor brain damage resulting from falling off the bed as an infant (thanks, Mom & Dad). So why can’t I manage to get food onto my fork or spoon and into my mouth without ruining a perfectly good shirt? Or, just as frequently, ruining shirt and pants in one fell swoop?

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I dance while I eat. I can’t honestly say where this habit came from, but in the lunchrooms of my youth, it was often pointed out that I don’t sit still while eating. Sometimes this movement is a subtle bouncing, sometimes it’s full blown (seated) dancing, and I do it all the time. Am I just that excited about food? It’s entirely obvious that I adore food and eating, but dancing while I eat seems extreme. Either way, I end up embarrassing myself 99% of the time, be it that my dancing draws attention or that the stain down the front of my outfit draws attention, I tend to look like I have mental problems.

It doesn’t help that I often run into stationary objects. Door frames, bed posts, walls, and tables cause me harm on a regular basis and I’d really appreciate it if they’d stop that. I’m convinced it’s them, not me.

So between being attacked by inanimate objects, dancing during lunch and food stains, it’s no wonder people tend to look at me funny. Give me a break, people, I’m special.

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